If you have not had to have a disagreement with someone over the past few weeks, I would bet that you are somehow in solitary confinement, Amish and lacking the technology to access to news from the outside world, or an actual wizard at avoiding confrontation.
There is so much to discuss – and disagree on – right now. Racial injustice has become painfully obvious even to the most oblivious of us white folks, and there’s a flurry of opinions about how to heal it. No one agrees what exactly we should be doing about the coronavirus. Another presidential election is fast approaching.
It’s a hot mess around here.
And as responsible, kind, fair people, sometimes we need to talk about it.
And sometimes those conversations are going to be really, really hard.
See, I’m typically like Jess from New Girl on this. I’d much rather hide out in the bathroom with cookies than confront someone.
(And just because this is how the universe works, my husband was a nationally ranked debater who looooooves contentious conversations.)
But no matter how uncomfortable it makes us, we need to tackle those hard conversations.
Maybe we need to stand up for justice for people who have been oppressed for centuries. Maybe we need to set boundaries. Or maybe we need to tell our roommate (or husband) that we’re going to lose our minds if they leave their socks on the living room floor one more time.
Plus, if you and whomever you’ve got to talk with are willing to engage in a difficult conversation without blaming or anger, it can pave the way for better connection.
In the interest of my own sanity (and maybe yours, too?), I’ve done some research and compiled some expert tips for having hard conversations. Read on to equip yourself for those tricky discussions.
7 Tips for Having Hard Conversations
1. Get clear on your goal.
If you’ve gotta bring up the difficult conversation, some mental prepwork ahead of time might be helpful. Be very clear about what you’re hoping for from this conversation. What is the ideal outcome from this conversation? What is the most important thing you could come away with? Do you need to express your disapproval? Ask someone to change his or her behavior? Explain a new perspective?
If you find yourself in the heat of a spontaneous disagreement, pausing to ask yourself this question – or even ask it of the person you’re talking with! – may be clarifying.
(P.S. Winning someone who’s diametrically opposed to your ideas over to your side is probably not realistic. Neither is being liked all of the time for every single one of your beliefs. Seeking to understand another person’s beliefs better? Even when they differ from yours? That is.)
2. Root out your assumptions
Making assumptions about someone’s motivations is way, way too easy. (And often, those motivations are way, way wrong.)
So ask yourself: what are you assuming about the other person? What are you projecting on to them? Have you already decided how you think he or she will respond?
If you’ve already decided that your uncle is going to be furious when you bring up Black Lives Matter, you’re likely to be defensive and approach the conversation with your guard up.
Instead, see if you can be open-minded and curious. Sure, it might seem like it will take impossibly Zen vibes to achieve. But it will also make the conversation much more productive.
3. Open with curiosity.
Once you’ve figured out your goal and cleared your mental slate, open the conversation with a curious mindset. This article recommends observing your conversational partner like you would an alien from another planet. (With some folks, this might not be that much of a stretch!) Investigate to figure out the person’s values and mindset, observing their body language and emotions. (And since we’re all normal here, I assume that I don’t have to tell you to not be a creeper about it.)
One super-simple way to do this? Open the conversation by asking the other person a question. Be genuinely curious, and the conversation will start out on a much friendlier, more neutral note.
4. Listen.
I know, this is the first tip for having hard conversations that you’ll see if you Google this. But really. Actually listening is hard.
Don’t just plot out what you’re going to say next. You are not combatants in a presidential debate, slugging each other for sound bites. You are a real person, connecting with another real person.
If you really struggle to do this, try the old-school active listening technique. (Yeah, that one you talked about in middle school.) If you need a refresher, here’s how it works:
- While the other person talks, listen without interrupting. Show that you’re listening by making eye contact and posturing toward the person.
- When he or she finishes talking, restate what they said to clarify you understand. You might ask, “So are you saying that you felt discouraged when that happened?” You can acknowledge another person’s experience without actually agreeing with their perspective.
- Whenever possible ask follow-up questions to show that you’re not just waiting for your chance to interrupt and that you genuinely are interested in what the other person thinks. (If you can’t demonstrate this, you’re not going to make any leeway.) Open questions like “How did you respond to that?” or “How do you interpret this?” work amazingly.
5. Need to say something controversial? Frame it in terms of your feelings.
People can dispute your opinion. They can dispute the legitimacy of facts. But they cannot dispute whether you’re experiencing an emotion. (At least they shouldn’t!) Phrasing a statement like “I feel that…” instead of “it’s a fact that…” or “surely you must know that…” will help keep the other person from tuning you out or attacking your news source.
P.S. You might also like Simple Steps to Calm Down and How to Set Goals You’ll Actually Keep.
6. Be assertive.
Yay, more middle school emotional health words! This is where we all take a deep breath, swallow the passive aggressive, snarky comment we were about to make, and actually state what we feel. Clearly, succinctly, and without eye rolling.
This is only possible if you don’t wait until you’re about to explode to bring up a topic. If you’ve bottled up your feelings and only bring up a problem when you’re raging, it’s real hard to be assertive. (I’m an Enneagram 1. Ask me how I know.) Instead, try engaging the conversation before you let those hard feelings build.
7. Acknowledge your emotions.
When big emotions like fear and anger enter a conversation, rational thinking flees the scene. Our brains start to worry about survival and not about higher-level thinking skills. So if you feel the emotional waves starting to well up, it might be time to acknowledge them and take a break. You’re allowed to say “Let’s return to this conversation later” or “I feel myself getting angry, so I think I need to take a break.”
Can I also add in that emotions, especially anger, are not bad? Sometimes anger is entirely justified. And it can absolutely be channeled righteously. If you’re feeling angry about something, use it to motivate you to initiate those difficult conversations and do the work that needs to be done. (But maybe don’t go comment on your neighbor’s Facebook post when you’re spitting mad. Has that ever ended happily?)
Still stuck? Try this list of conversation starters!
Okay, friends. Let’s be brave and initiate those hard conversations together!