I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship recently. But this is one area where I am decidedly not an expert. Quite honestly, I have a lot of questions and not a lot of answers.
So this post is going to look a little different than usual: instead of attempting to tackle the huge topic of friendship from my limited perspective, the wonderful folks on my email list are sharing their thoughts with us!
(Want to get on said email list and have the opportunity to contribute to posts like this in the future? Click here.)
We kicked things off with these prompts:
- What do you wish you knew about friendship 5 or 10 years ago?
- What’s your greatest challenge in friendship right now?
- What advice do you have for anyone trying to make or deepen friendships?
- What makes friendship as an adult so complicated?
Women across many ages and stages of life shared both their questions and advice, and I’m thrilled to share their thoughts with you.
Read on for solidarity in friendship struggles, advice on making friends as an adult, how marriage and motherhood changes friendships, and more!
Real Readers Share Thoughts on Friendship
From Emily:
My questions are how many friends should you actually have? How do you know when you can trust girl friends? (I’ve been burned by this one in the past.) How do you make friends in your 20s? Everyone seems very guarded and in their own circles.
For challenges for me, it’s been finding time to actually meet with people, and since I’m a fairly social person, it’s been a good challenge to try to discern the people I actually want to meet with regularly and who I don’t want to see as frequently.
There’s a social wall I’ve noticed with people in their 20s with new friends, but there also is an almost desperation that I’ve seen. People are lonely right now, and I think that paired with social media has made authentic friendships harder in your 20s.
For advice, smile at people! I’ve noticed even if friendship doesn’t come, people don’t make eye contact and smile as often anymore. You could make someone’s day just by doing that.
Also, treat hanging out with a new friend like a first date. It might be a little awkward and you might not know how much to share or what to say sometimes. But once you find a connection point, run with it and see if others build off of it. Then try to hang out again and see how you feel about it 🙂
From Casie:
Greatest challenge? At this point in my life, I feel like I don’t have time for casual friends. And for a deeper friendship, I want someone who shares my beliefs (at least somewhat), and it would also be a bonus if we had other stuff in common – maybe married with young children? Someone else who has a two year old that stands in front of them crying that they want their shoes off, then runs away screaming the second you try to take those shoes off?
Also busyness – cultivating friendships takes time, and I’m guessing most people no longer live within a couple minutes of their friends like in college! Getting married and having kids adds to that as well.
From Brita:
— I really want friends who come over with very little planning for movie night or dinner or just for a chat. I’ve had friends like that in college, but it doesn’t seem possible outside of dorm life or having a really great roommate.
— I have worked to keep some important friendships from different stages of life. I love phone calls and video chats and visiting people wherever they are.
— It’s hard for me to build friendships while also doing any other big life thing (e.g. starting a relationship, moving to a new city, starting a new job), but those are some of the times when it seems most important to develop friendships.
— I feel very lucky to be friends with my siblings and in-laws and to be friends with people at work. Some of my work friends have become outside of work friends, and it’s lovely! I’m also lucky to work in an environment where many of my colleagues are at similar ages/life stages.
— I don’t know how to get past the acquaintance/casual friends stage and get into the vulnerable/deep/call me when you’re crying friends stage even when I want to.
From Miriam:
Motherhood has completely shifted the way I view friendship, as I’m sure most moms would say. It’s not so much that the need/desire for friends lessens, it’s just that the focus of my life shifted so drastically when my first was born that it’s hard to focus on anything else for awhile. When it feels like you can’t complete a thought without it being focused on your kids, it feels hard to maintain friendships. Specifically, I think I feel like a bad friend since having kids because I don’t have the mental space to really give my friends the attention they deserve. I’ve also discovered I feel much more insecure in my own role as a friend since I don’t have the mental capacity to be very interesting as a person since having kids. I don’t mean that as pitiful as it sounds, but it’s true! Not prioritizing time to be reflective or have hobbies and such, I’ve found it challenging to relate to other people a lot more since having kids.
From Elizabeth:
My greatest challenge in friendship right now is actually seeing my close friends more often than every couple of months! Because I have lived in a lot of places, I have a lot of long distance friends. Weddings over the past 2 years have been a great way to see each other a few times but we are now into the next season of life and will have to be intentional about getting on a plane to see each other. In terms of local friends, we are now all into the baby season of life. People are moving from the downtown core, having babies, are on different maternity leave schedules, have family commitments, etc. It is SO hard to find time together and time on the regular as well. It can get lonely!
For advice, my advice is to start small. Not all friendships need to be super deep or a “best” friend situation. Sometimes brunch every 3 months with the same person is good enough! But if you do want it to be more regular than that, it is going to take dedicated effort from both parties to make it a priority. And I think it’s okay to put that out on the table and make a plan to make it happen!
For what I wish I knew about friendship 5 or 10 years ago, I would say a similar thing to the above! Not every friend needs to be a best friend or soul sister. It’s okay for things to stay surface-level and to simply enjoy someone’s company every so often. I would also say it’s okay that friendships evolve as you evolve and your life changes. Some friends will be along for the long haul, some might fizzle, and some might make a surprise reappearance – and all of those are okay! It has actually been surprising to me in a lot of ways who my long haul friends are – they aren’t who I would have expected them to be!
From Janelle:
We recently moved back to a city after being away for four years. I’m in a season of trying to navigate: 1) making new friends, 2) finding new in person routines in friendships that have been long distance, and 3) attempting to gracefully let go of relationships that no longer serve me. I’m currently focusing my efforts on establishing a local book club in an attempt to build community and friendship with like-minded women.
As a mom of two young children, it’s difficult to make time for friendship dates, so many of my friends are moms that I can do play dates with. But it’s also nice to have relationships where the main connection is not our children. It’s a delicate balance. On one hand, mom friends feel like coworkers that are in the trenches with you and can act as a mastermind on the mothering journey. On the other hand, it is nice to have friends that see you as a person outside of your role as a mother – you don’t have to spend precious minutes talking about naps or toddler meals and can do the important work of discussing the new Olivia Rodrigo album. It’s all a balance.
I will find my people and settle back into our city, and for now I am doing my best to enjoy the challenge of finding and making new friends. I’m going first, asking for phone numbers, bringing meals to friends I’ve just met, and in general just trying to be the person to show up and include people. If nothing else, I know I am putting valiant effort into the endlessly important work of female friendship.
From Tracy:
I think we are all struggling a little bit with making or maintaining connections after the pandemic forced us to stay apart. We’ve gotten used to keeping in touch through text, FaceTime, Zoom, and other apps, which is convenient, but less than ideal in terms of real connection. Face to face is always best, but it seems to take more effort now to make that happen.
I personally struggle with one-sided friendships, or rather, one friendship in particular that always seems to require that I instigate a text, a call, a dinner plan, or a girl’s day. If I don’t make the first move, my friend and I would never talk or get together. On the one hand, this is frustrating and sort of hurtful, but on the other hand, she has recently lost her mother, she’s having some health problems, and she’s having to work more now than she used to. (I have always worked full time, so I’m used to planning things well in advance.) So I feel like I should carry a little extra burden of reaching out so that she knows I’m still in her corner at such a trying time. I’m just afraid that at some point, her continued silence will win out. I probably should tell her how I feel, but I don’t want to require more of her than she is able to give. I’m kind of “meeting her where she’s at.” I guess if it’s really important enough to her to talk to me she’ll text or call me.
My advice to younger ladies out there is to routinely check in with your friends if you can’t get together in person. Nurturing a friendship goes both ways, so if one of you fails to stay connected, this is forgivable, but it’s very damaging to the relationship.
From Brooke:
I’m an older person – 50 and I have many friendships but not many close ones – apart from my kids.
I have some friends from my teenage years who I see every couple of years and we always have fun and a good laugh when we see each other.
I’ve got a very busy cleaning company, so most of my working hours are spent keeping the relationships going with my team and particularly my office assistant, who is my right hand and I trust her. I also have my accounts lady and my supervisors, so I try to catch up with them regularly to show I care. Then there is the rest of my team, which I must also make time for, and all my clients, whom I also need to communicate with. There are a few I would consider “friends,” but I have to know my place to a certain extent as I am there for them.
Now my two children are grown up and have partners and I would consider them my friends as we can talk about all sorts of things. I trust them and they occasionally give me advice on my business. I also have a grandchild who is 8 months old. I see her daily and it’s very important for me to build a relationship with her as that time and those memories will last a lifetime. I don’t have much time for socialising outside of these circles.
I’m more of a listener and an asker of questions, and I think many people are more talkers about themselves and not question askers. Friendships take time, energy and genuine interest and care for another person. I am also single and quite content, as it would be hard to find time to build that kind of relationship and people from the list above would suffer.
The advice I would give to people wanting friendships is to be a good person. Ask how they are. Read the unspoken signs. Be a listener, not someone who doesn’t stop talking. Don’t be that person who only calls when they want something. Do thoughtful things for them. Just be a good person and friends will come to you.
There are so many amazing people out there to meet. Work on meeting lots of people and you’ll naturally be drawn to certain people. Broaden your horizons – mix with different groups. Listen to your intuition about red flags about people. Join groups. Friendships take time for people to judge your character and reliability and motives.
From Helene:
I am 81 years old, and there are still challenges in friendships. This week I have visited three of my childhood friends, and we just picked up talking as if we hadn’t been apart. True friends. About ten years ago, I had three friends who each moved closer to one of their children, and they now live in assisted living apartments. These friends were some that you could stop and visit at any time, have a cup of coffee and play a game of cards. I have never made a close friend like this since. I have my Bible Study friends, but I don’t do anything outside of the study with them.
I feel that it is important to enjoy the personality of the person you would like as a friend and to have like interests.
From Donna:
Biggest challenge is finding time to connect. Deepening friendships takes intentional effort. Obligations makes it difficult. It’s easier to just give up and stay comfortable but isolated.
But friendships take work. The other person may feel as awkward as you do. Just put it on the calendar and make it to happen. It’ll be fun and you’ll be glad you did.
From Shannon:
As an introvert, it can be hard to add someone to my friendship circle. I know that there may be people who would like to be friends, but I don’t always have the bandwidth for it. Schedules are complicated. Phase of life can be complicated. People having very different philosophies of how you use money — not even so much having different amounts, but how to use it — can be complicated.
As an adult, you also aren’t as honest. If you have a friend who’s being difficult, it’s hard to say that. I am more likely to back away from the relationship. But if you live in one small town for a long time, you still see those people regularly. It’s hard to leave friendships that are no longer a good fit.
Beyond that, how to figure out if a person is a good candidate for friendship in the first place can be hard – it’s almost like you want to go on a date or two with them to figure it out!
Five or ten years ago, I wish I would have known that people can and do die. And your grief over the loss of friends is hard to process when you’re not family — you grieve in a way that’s different than if you were a relative.
I also didn’t know that there were people who would surprise you whom you could be friends with. Be willing to be awkward and do the initial “dating” of somebody, even if they don’t make sense on paper – they could be really good friends.
I didn’t realize either how fragile my friends’ self-esteem can be and that I can have an impact on that. Obviously you have to be sincere, but I didn’t realize the importance of me being able to tell someone that I appreciate their friendship, or that I can encourage someone who is struggling with self-confidence and make a difference in the way they think about themselves.
From Anna (that’s me!):
Right now, I feel like so many of my friends are far away. My family, whom I’m close to and enjoy hanging out with, all live geographically closer to each other than my husband and I do. My closest friends from undergrad and most of the couple friends Adam and I have made post-college are scattered across the country. I’m trying to be intentional with the friends I’m making in Chicago, but it takes me a long time to feel like I’m more than someone’s friendly acquaintance and no longer an outsider. Most of the time, I feel like everyone else is probably better connected than I am – but I also imagine I’m not alone in feeling that way!
Did you catch that last sentence? Reading through these answers definitely made me realize that I’m NOT alone here. All of us have questions and challenges as we search for connection.
Thanks so much to everyone who contributed their thoughts on friendship – your words are golden, and I appreciate each and every one of you.
What I want to say is that I am incredibly moved almost to tears about what these people have shared. Because I do realize the importance of trying to contact old friends from like school that you connected to in your elder years. I come from a very broken family structure and suffered incredible abuse that many of these people from my childhood actually saw the physical damage to my body but I really want to reconnect with him and I’m scared to do that afraid that they were damaged to by seeing this. Sincerely Jacquelyn Wilkins
Thinking of you, Jacquelyn, and hoping you find the choice that is best for you. Much love!